6 Reasons Why It Seems Impossibly Hard To Find A Good Man

6 Reasons Why It Seems Impossibly Hard to Find a Good Man

Posted by in Black Love Advice

I’ve heard it a million times from a countless number of women.

“Finding a good man nowadays is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.”

But, why is it so hard to find a good man?

Why do so many women say they only seem to come across men who lie, cheat, disrespect them and break their hearts?

Well I’m sad to say it, but there are a lot of bad men out there that only want to use and abuse the women they come across… However, there are still some good ones out there…

But if there are still some good men out there, what could a woman possibly be doing that sabatoges herself from finding one?

I’ve thought deeply about this question for a long time.

Here are a few of the top reasons I came up with.

1. She doesn’t know what true love is.

Sure you’ve been in love before. But have you ever truly loved someone? First of all, keep in mind that new relationships are fueled by a combination of powerful feelings that include lust, attachment, vulnerability, desire, and newness, mixed together in varying quantities.

But once those initial supercharged feelings wear away what remains?

That’s when things get a bit harder and you move into the second stage of romatic relationships.

Unfortunately, most couples call it quits during the 3rd stage. Never giving their relationship the opportunity to reach mature love.

2. She’s only seeking out the basic traits of a good man.

Better said, you have a predefined list of physical and psychological traits that define the ultimate “good man” for you.

This is not a bad thing necessarily.

Again and again, studies have shown that love, especially new love, revolves around attractive physical traits and heightened emotions.

This is further confirmed by Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist, and author of  “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again

She states in her book that, “Attraction brings together both physiology and psychology.”

Where many women go wrong is they refuse to look beyond their bullet point list of traits whenever they meet a new man.

Generally speaking, a guy who is smart, who can make you laugh, who is financially stable, and who is sincere and honest sounds like a good catch to most women. But is that good enough for you?

I can tell you right now, that standard list doesn’t make a man a good man, or the right man FOR YOU. Many men have all those things and their wives still eventually divorce them.

3. She’s overlooking the small things that create bonds.

When it comes to picking the man you are going to hopefully spend the rest of your life with, writing a list of generic traits doesn’t really work.

It’s the small things, the things that are not a part of your list that you discover in a mate that seem to be so wonderful and mind-blowing that you fall for them to the point of no return.

This leads to the next thing that stops women from finding good men.

4. She refuses to give a rose time to blossom.

So you’ve just had a date with the potential love of your life. But, he didn’t score too well on your standardized list of traits.

He didn’t have enough money – well is he a lazy bum or does he have a plan for success? Let’s keep in mind that Barack Obama picked Michelle up for their first date in a car that was so rusted that it had a hole in the floor that allowed them to see the road while they were driving lol.

Here’s a quote from President Obama about his early years as a poor college student:

I went to law school and college with the help of scholarships; so did my wife. We were still paying off student loans nine years after we graduated. I bought my first car for about $900. It had a big hole in the floor that allowed you to see the road, so I knew my wife wasn’t marrying me for my money. We had credit-card debt we hadn’t paid off. [In fact] Our personal finances…weren’t stable until fairly recently.

You have to remember that for most people their current situation isn’t their final destination! The real questions are: Is he trying to better himself? Does he have dreams and goals that are obtainable? Is he taking the necessary steps it takes to have a good future?

5. She wants love at first sight.

If you’re aiming for this kind of love you will be disappointed more often than you can imagine.

This kind of love only covers one of the critical elements I previously mentioned: Attractiveness, newness, and supercharged emotions.

What you need to do is give time, be patient, go on a second and third date. Truly discover who this person is before you shut the door.

6. She’s not looking in the right place. 

Too often, good women spend their time looking for good men in bad places like bars and nightclubs.

Fact: A recent study commissioned by revealed that only 9 percent of women who go to bars to meet men will eventually find a lasting relationship there.

Solution: Turn your hobbies and passions into the perfect means to find the man of your dreams. After all, you are likely going to want to date a person that shares at least a few of your interest.

The key is to make your hobbies social.

If you like dancing take a dance class or join a two stepping group.

Like reading? Read at your local library or a nearby coffee shop.

The idea is to enjoy yourself as a single woman at these locations while also considering them to be great places to find good men.


If it is taking you a while to find a good man, don’t lose hope. He’s out there waiting, just make sure you look in the right places and are open to getting to know a person past the vanity of a basic checklist. We all deserve true love and happiness. There are some good men out there. Eventually, you will find one if you take your time, have patience, and stay open to experience the ups and downs of the dating scene.

Tags: , , , , ,