According to a recent study conducted by The Pew Research Center, only 29% of men want to get married, a number that has dropped by 6% since 1997.
What exactly is it that has turned so many men off of marriage?
The first answer I’m about to reveal is probably going to shock you. It seems so innocent, but it has made millions of black men absolutely reject the idea of ever getting married.
Reason Number #1: Negative depictions from movies and reality television.
This is something I explored thoroughly in my book Secrets Revealed: The Uncut Truth That Will Change Your Love Life Forever.
For this book I went out to bars, nightclubs, and even live sports events to interview over 100 black men to find out how they really feel about relationships. What makes them commit. What makes them leave. What makes them stay.
What makes them fall in love.
Here is one interesting fact that my research uncovered:
83% of the men I interviewed said that Reality TV and Movies have at times given them a negative feeling about marriage and committed relationships.
Here’s an excerpt from my book where I specifically warn women to avoid watching these types of movies and TV shows with their men if they don’t want to damage their chances of getting married.
Ladies these types of images can have a negative effect on your man’s views of relationships and marriage. A large amount of the men I interviewed said that TV shows and movies have at times given them a negative opinion of marriage and relationships.
I believe this to be caused by one main culprit: Classical Conditioning.
The mind has a way of subconsciously pairing positive and negative emotions, with people, places, things, and even ideas. When these emotions are frequently paired together with the people, places, things, or ideas, strong opinions can be developed. Just think of how pairing a hated or loved celebrity with a product via an endorsement campaign can persuade viewers to like or dislike the advertised product based on mere association with the celebrity.
This is called classical conditioning, and it was first discovered by famed psychologist Ivan Pavlov. Based on the concept of Classical Conditioning, I have concerns about the way pop culture portrays black couples. This runs deeper than just romantic relationships, but I will stay on topic. At this point in the media today, all I see is negative associations being built between black women, black men, and relationships. Rampant portrayals of drama, fights, yelling, arguments, and financial problems are bombarding the TV screens constantly.
There is a good chance that your man, like many of the men I interviewed, will begin to subconsciously link black women, and black relationships with the negative actions and emotions flooding his television.
Don’t let your relationship fall victim to the negative effects of classical condition.
Ladies I’m telling you, do not watch these shows with your men. If you don’t watch them with him, he’s not going to see them. Seriously, what man watches Real Housewives of Atlanta when he’s sitting at home by himself?
Reason #2: Men are afraid they will lose their social lives.
This is one of the primary concerns expressed by the men I interviewed.
Marriage has a reputation of being a social life killer. And to an extent, I admit this is true.
Being in a committed relationship does somewhat detract from your social life.
However, there are two things that men fail to realize.
- Wives and girlfriends social lives also take a hit as the responsibilities of maintaining a healthy relationship kick in.
- If you marry someone you truly love and enjoy being around, then missing out on a few nights of hanging out with your homeboys isn’t such a big deal!
It’s all about perspective and choosing someone you truly can’t live without.
Reason #3: Men fear the financial implications of divorce.
“Many chicks wanna put Jigga’s fist in cuffs, divorce him and split his bucks.” -Jay Z, Big Pimpin.
Men of all walks of life seem to fear that marriage could lead to divorce, which will then lead to spousal support, losing his belongings, and splitting half of the wealth he’s accumulated during the marriage.
Once again, this is a notion perpetuated by the media over and over again. It seems like every week there’s a story of some successful man getting a divorce and being forced to pay his ex wife millions of dollars.
Hell, there’s whole TV shows like Basketball Wives dedicated to women that have divorced men and walked away with millions.
This has lead to a lot of gamification on the male side.
Here’s a quote from one of the men I interviewed:
“Bro I marry a chick, and then we start beefing, she wants a divorce and gets half my sh**? Naw not me my dude. Marriage ain’t for me.”
Smh… Sad but true… This mentality has spread throughout the country. Men and women in relationships trying to “win the game” instead of being each other’s strength and holding each other down.
Reason #4: Men fear their sex lives will be over.
This is probably the most common fear amongst the men I interviewed when we began to talk about marriage.
Many of them were afraid that if they got married their sex lives would become boring, mainly because their wives would stop having sex with them.
Is this true? For many married couples, it is. We can’t lie about that. However, for many married couples, this is far from the truth. In fact, 83% of the married men I interviewed said their sex lives have never been better!
But, let’s not overlook the fact that many men have bought into the stereotype of the sexless marriage.
So, Ladies you might have to do a little convincing that after the honeymoon you won’t lock up the goodies lol.
Marriage isn’t for everybody. The fact is that many men will never want to take that leap.
However, I don’t believe that means that you can’t have a successful and happy relationship because you’re not married to your man either.
In fact, a recent study that followed over 2,700 couples for 6 years showed that many couples that “shacked up” were often more happier than couples that decided to get married.
It’s up to you to decide if you’re willing to be with a man who doesn’t desire marriage.
Do what makes you happy. Set your limits and your boundaries. The rest will fall into place.
Want more expert tips and in-depth analysis? Be sure to grab your copy of Secrets Revealed: The Uncut Truth That Will Change Your Love Life Forever.