Crying woman not listening to cheating boyfriend's excuses at home in the living room.

Picking Up the Pieces: 9 Steps to Recovery After You Find Out He Cheated…

Posted by in Black Love Advice

He opens doors and calls daily to hear your voice. He’s great with the kids and you feel the connection between the two of you is like none other. It’s been a couple of months or maybe even years. You have the ‘fairy-tale’ romance it seems and then it happens… You find out that your bae has another boo.

Now what?

Here are 9 Steps to Recovery after you find out your boyfriend has cheated:

1. Accept the facts.

It’s been said that the-Nile is not just a river in Egypt-or better said, “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” Once you have all the facts and it has been confirmed, you have to accept reality.

You can’t move on with your life if you don’t accept the facts. Denial is not going to help you no matter how shocking the truth is.

2. You can Recover from this.

It’s hard to look toward the end at the beginning of such a traumatic situation, but it is necessary. Your mindset at this point is the most important thing. You have to try to wade thru the pain and negative emotions and consider that this is not the end of the world. It will take time as it should, but you will make it thru this.

3. Deal with your Anger.

You have to find an outlet for your anger. That would not include busting out his tires or painting ‘cheater’ on his car. Being vindictive would leave you to deal with your own karma as a result, and he’s just not worth it.

So try a healthier outlet that would not include a felony charge like boxing or some other type of exercise, writing or singing maybe, however you decide just get it out. Pent up anger is unhealthy for you internally and multiplies into other issues. Like number 4…

4. Get rid of Bitterness.

If you haven’t accepted the facts and found a healthy way to deal with your anger the end result will be bitterness. Bitterness is sneaky because like denial it is not always immediately obvious. You may think that you have gotten past your boyfriend cheating, then a memory will uncover bitterness. It’s deadly and unattractive.

5. Move On.

Trying to figure out all the details of your old bae’s new boo, where she works, who she knows, Facebook stalking her page and leaving nasty messages on her voicemail with fun facts about your old man is satisfying on some level, maybe, but what does it prove?

You are a whole person with a life of your own. If you have kids you have to remember the kind of reflection you’re showing, especially to little girls. That was his poor decision to cheat on you and his loss, so why waste your time with your old mess and her new problem?

6. Take care of yourself.

It’s important to take care of your physical self as well as your emotional self. Going thru a breakup is rough and it’s easy to forget to take complete care of yourself. When in a relationship a lot of time women give 100% of themselves and then following a break-up the pieces that you’d need to move on have been invested and given away. It takes time to recover, take care of yourself during the process.

7. Take your time.

It hurts, you may be lonely and you want to make sure you, ‘still got it’. However, getting in a rebound relationship could be as bad or worse as the actual cheating and breakup. The best thing to do is take your time.

8. Watch Out… For the Future.

It is possible that during your relationship there were signs that this disaster was ahead. Being in love can blind you to a lot of things and sometimes being too close to the situation won’t allow you to have the best perspective. When infidelity happens reassess the facts or behaviors you may have missed.

9. Be Open.

Every man is not the same. Read that again. If this relationship has lasted for years or a couple of months. If this is the first or the fourth time a man has cheated on you, that does not change the fact that all men are not the same. True love is a beautiful thing and when it is true a real man won’t have to sneak around or outright lie by being unfaithful. Keep your heart open, you never know where you’ll find love.


So your boyfriend cheated… your life will go on and you will be better for it. Again, it’s hard to look at it that way when you’re in the middle of it but you have to set your mind in the right direction. Start now by picking up the pieces of your life and don’t look back unless you’re reaching back to remember a lesson that will help you in your future life. If you work thru these 9 steps your future will be fabulous and on your own terms.

Tere M. Stokes is’s newest writer and author of “The Breakup Papers” go check it out now. You will be hearing more from this talented young lady in the future.

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