How to Spot a Controlling Boyfriend... Before He's Controlling You...

How to Spot a Controlling Boyfriend… Before He’s Controlling You…

Posted by in Black Love Advice

One thing I can guarantee is that any woman that has been in a relationship with a controlling man would say: I don’t want to be in a relationship like that one ever again.

From experience, they know the warning signs and get out before it’s too late.

For all of you that don’t want to learn this lesson the hard way here are a few signs that should help you spot a controlling boyfriend before he takes away your logical thinking.

Hint #1: He attaches extremely fast.

While you might have an amazing personality, gorgeous eyes, and a great smile and everyone likes you the minute they meet you, if you notice a guy getting way too attached too fast, it might be a red flag. If the guy puts you up on the highest pedestal and talks about how lucky he is to have found you, while telling you how much he loves you and how he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you can almost guarantee there’s an underlying issue. Men get attached over time and a guy who tells you these types of things so early in the relationship is probably trying to lure you.

In fact this type of wooing is one of the three phases of a psychopathic bond. Phase 1: Idealization:

You think you’re entering an exciting, romantic relationship and that you’ve met the love of your life…but what you’re actually entering is a game that you’re guaranteed to lose. The object of the game: He or she will gain control, damage you emotionally and spiritually, take what he wants, and leave you an emotional wreck.

The psychopath lures you with charm, attention, flattery, and other covert emotional manipulation tactics. He will say anything to get what he wants because he’s a pathological liar, and what he wants at this point is to win your love and trust. His or her loving persona is a complete fabrication. Even so, you’ll believe that you’re “soul mates” because he’s able to present himself as your perfect partner.

This stage is often called “Love Bombing.” The manipulator will saturate the target in as many ways possible with love and adoration, without a moment to come up for air. They’ll spend as much time as possible with the target, and keep in frequent contact. There will be many verbal declarations of appreciation and of their feelings about you and all your wonderful qualities, and amazement at all the things you have in common or at how lucky you both are to have found each other.

Plain and simple proceed with caution when a man lays on the charm too thick and too soon. He might have less than noble motives.

Hint #2: Your friends and family don’t like him.

If it’s one friend we’re talking about, it might not be such a big deal. But when all of your friends and family members have a bad feeling about him that’s a very damning sign. Friends and family are usually the first to notice an impending abusive relationship.

When he notices their dislike and distrust for him he will begin using manipulative tactics to isolate you.

He will forbid you to see them and usually refer to them as “bad influences” or “whores”. Don’t believe him. His only goal is to eliminate the threat they pose to his brainwashing.

Hint #3: He starts to change things about you.

At first, it might be something as small as telling you to wear a longer skirt, or something else seemingly minor.

You’re happy – he cares that other guys might be checking you out and he doesn’t like it, so you happily listen.

In a few weeks, this will likely turn to more radical request of completely changing your outfit or not wearing makeup.

Saying yes once or twice is all it takes. This will likely lead you to accepting his demands over and over again, no matter how irrational they might seem. At that point you will feel like you’re unable to say no to him.

Be very very cautious of any man that tries to change you. Huge red flag.

Hint #4: He stands in the way of you having hobbies and interests outside the relationship.

He claims it will take quality time away from the relationship, and he wants to spend every minute with you.

Not cool.

Both of you should have your own separate hobbies and interests outside the relationship. Sure having common interest are necessary to sustain a relationship. However you should still have a life outside of the relationship. If you are not allowed to you definitely have a controlling boyfriend.

Hint #5: He takes away your self-esteem.

He puts you down, makes you feel inferior, maybe even refuses to touch you sexually to make you feel physically undesirable. All red flags.

Hint #6: He’s violent.

Verbally, physically. Whether it’s “just” a small bruise here or a shove when he’s angry, this type of behavior is unacceptable and will escalate over the course of time.

Flowers and apologies can’t make up for a punch in the face.


These are some of the primary symptoms you will spot in a controlling boyfriend. Don’t ignore them. The earlier you catch them the easier it will be to end the relationship. If you have just found out you are in a relationship with a controlling man it’s not too late. Check out these tips on how to stop loving an abuser.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you deserve the best. Don’t settle.

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