The Day I Realized He Didn’t Love Me... He Loved My Wallet...

The Day I Realized He Didn’t Love Me… He Loved My Wallet…

Posted by in Black Love Advice

My friend Jenny had what Oprah would call an “Ah-ha” moment when her husband informed her that he’d be taking a vacation with their son and without her.

Jenny couldn’t go on the vacation because she had to work. Her husband was unemployed.

When he informed Jenny of the dates for his vacation, she noticed that he’d be away for her birthday. It was at that moment she realized that she wasn’t a priority for her husband. However, she was the one paying for his vacation…

She now clearly understood, he didn’t love her… He loved her wallet…

After her divorce, Jenny was able to look back upon her relationship and point to clear signs that her husband would one day care more about her money than her.

However, during their courtship and engagement Jenny was blinded by love, her bridal/baby agenda, and multiple orgasms.

Some of you may have read about Halle Berry’s recent divorce filing. Her soon to be ex, Olivier Martinez, is seeking spousal support.  Don’t dismiss this situation as one that would never affect you because you’re not making movie star dollars. Plus Halle’s had a lot of relationships tank so maybe it’s her fault. To that, I would say let she among us who is without relationship drama cast the first stone.

Everyday women can and are facing similar problems.

According to a Pew Research Study, nearly 50% of moms are breadwinners in their households. This fact has lead to an explosion of male gold diggers.

Yes, many men are just in it for the money.

And I speak from firsthand experience because I, too, was one of those everyday working women who paid alimony.

To help others avoid this situation I’ve spoken to numerous women who have had their hearts and wallets taken for a ride. In doing so, I’ve been able to pinpoint five clear identifiers of a lazy ass man looking to cash in and occupy an ambitious girl’s couch.

1. He wants to move into your place very early in the relationship.

My friend Camille’s boyfriend moved into her condo weeks into their relationship. She thought it was romantic and also convenient since her boyfriend’s place was an hour away from the city.  The truth was the place he referred to was actually his parents’ house. This was a grown ass man, over the age of thirty, with a college degree, living with his parents. This guy moved into Camille’s condo so quickly because he was basically homeless.

If your boyfriend is an adult who is couch surfing, or sort of subletting, or staying with friends, or staying by his moms when you meet him, beware. He will most likely want to move into your place immediately because he’ll have a bed and there will be 24 hour access to your va-jay-jay. Understand that when he moves in you are essentially taking in a homeless person.  Yes, he may be cute, able to find your G-spot and even make you laugh, but take away your home, he’s on the street.

Please also understand that once your boyfriend becomes accustomed to your cable, wifi and heat, he’ll want to continue living in the lifestyle he’s become accustomed to even if you’re no longer a part of his life, which is code for he’ll ask for alimony.

That friend of mine, Camille, married her boyfriend. They divorced and now he lives in that condo she used to own…

2. He’s all talk and no action.

We all want to think that we’re shrewd, smart and good judges of character, but love isn’t just blind it’s also delusional. It actually sees things that aren’t there.

As women, we see potential in our boyfriends and give them credit for that, but potential does not pay the light bill.

I’ve dated guys with a lot of ambition, but no actual drive. I like to call these guys big talkers. It’s easy to get swept up in their charismatic talk. They are not unlike politicians telling you what you want to hear. They are after all campaigning to get into your pants, which may eventually lead to your wallet.

They can tell you about their plans, dreams, goals, but they aren’t taking tangible steps toward those goals. I know men who have started businesses and have lots of meetings, but no actual paycheck. Beware of these men. If you’re dating one, he may even want to involve you in his business mostly because he needs you as an investor.

I have friends who were married to and dating men who wanted to be big screenwriters, but they never wrote anything, while their wives and or girlfriends supported their dream.

These dreamer guys coupled themselves with doer women who had a stable paycheck because dreams are expensive.

If you end up paying for someone else’s dream, it will become your nightmare.

3. He’s not a cheap date, he’s a free one.

I understand dating on a budget. I understand taking a date to the beach, or a free concert. We all go through seasons with and without money. If you have a job, but you’re dating a man whose money isn’t right and he always takes you out for things that are free, you may have a wallet lover on your hands.

I went on a first date with a man to a free event. Upon leaving he started to pay the $2.00 parking fee, but actually stopped to look in my direction as if I could and should give up my half of the parking. I did not, but if I had done that and continued to go out with this guy, I would have set a terrible precedent.

When a guy’s money isn’t right or he’s underemployed, I’ve known women to start picking up the financial slack by paying for dinners, or movies. Once you start paying, you set a precedent: you’re willing to pay, you can pay and since you do pay, you don’t have a fundamental problem with it.

In our judicial system setting a legal precedent is far reaching into present and past court cases; therefore setting a relationship precedent is not something you can just up and change.

4. His check for your engagement ring bounced.

Years ago when people wrote checks for things, my friend Janine’s fiancé wrote a rubber check for her engagement ring.

Janine had bridal ambition so since her fiancé had paid for most of the ring, she decided that she’d put the balance on her credit card and he could pay her back, then she would be steps closer to saying, “I’s married now.”

Here’s the thing ladies: when you buy your own engagement ring, you might as well be proposing to yourself.  A guy who is careless with his money will be careless with his woman’s money and it’s the woman’s wallet that will clean up her man’s financial mess.

5. He hates his job.

When you’re dating a man who not only hates his job, but also has a checkered employment history, this man may actually hate to work. When your man isn’t complaining about his boss, or something specific that went wrong, but simply complaining about the fact that he has to put in eight hours every day, then this is a man who does not like to work. If you make decent money or more money than him, you best believe that he will find a way to stop working once he’s coupled with you. If he’s ever bandied about the idea of taking some time off to think, get back into his music, or just rest, that’s code for retirement.  And guess what his retirement plan is: that’s right your wallet.


These tips should equip you to weed out the guys more interested in your wallet before you give them your heart. This is an offensive strategy because in the courtroom defense is expensive.  Just ask Halle.

About the Author

Sonja WarfieldSonja Warfield is a television comedy writer who has written for the Emmy-Award winning Will & Grace, BET’s The Game and Brandy’s new BET sitcom, Zoe Ever After, debuting in January 2016. Sonja’s book: Get Your Butt Off My Couch (And Your Hand Outta My Wallet) is available on Amazon.

Twitter: @SonjawarInstagram: Sonjawar |

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