When the going gets tough in a relationship, most people try to work it out.
However, there are some things that are not worth chalking up as reconcilable. Sometimes, trying to work it out is not the wise thing to do. The fear of being alone or starting over after another breakup is unthinkable for people who try to avoid the inevitable.
But you should never settle for someone who isn’t going to change their ways.
Denial will often blind a person who doesn’t want to face the reality that their relationship is beyond repair.
Here are five lies we often tell ourselves when we’re going through it with a man that isn’t right for us. Do you ever catch yourself saying any of these things?
1. It’s my fault.
One common lie a person trying to deny they’re in the wrong relationship will tell themselves is that it’s their fault things are going downhill.
Example: Let’s say he cheats on you. The first thing you’ll ask yourself is, “What did I do wrong?” The truth is that people will do to you what you continue to allow them to do. Asking yourself what’s wrong with you does not make up for what’s wrong with him.
2. I can’t do any better than the person I’m with.
This is one I’ve had a hard time understanding myself. I’ll listen to girls say things like, “He ain’ t perfect but he’s the best I’ve ever had. I’ll never have another love like this.”
That’s a bunch of nonsense. Dealing with the same mess over and over again is proof that you’re in a relationship with someone who accepts everything that is wrong with themselves. But just because they accept every bad part of their character, doesn’t mean that YOU have to.
3. His physical/emotional abuse won’t happen again.
This is the biggest lie the abused “significant other” can ever tell their self. There’s a reason why I put quotation marks around those two words in the previous sentence.
Here’s that reason: First of all, if somebody is physically or emotionally abusive to you, they are showing you that you are not significant to them at all.
Abuse is not only dead wrong, it is seriously illegal. I have a good friend who is a counselor at a domestic violence shelter and this issue is no laughing matter. At BlackLoveAdvice.com, we have published numerous articles about this subject and I cannot stress this any more than I am right now. A man that hits you or abuses you emotionally WILL do it again.
Sure he will apologize and things will be okay for awhile… But this is only the standard cycle of abuse as explained in greater detail below:
The cycle of abuse usually goes in the following order, and will repeat until the conflict is stopped, usually by the survivor entirely abandoning the relationship or some form of intervention. The cycle can occur hundreds of times in an abusive relationship, the total cycle taking anywhere from a few hours, to a year or more to complete. However, the length of the cycle usually diminishes over time so that the “reconciliation” and “calm” stages may disappear, violence becomes more intense and the cycles become more frequent.
Stress builds from the pressures of daily life, like conflict over children, marital issues, misunderstandings, or other family conflicts. It also builds as the result of illness, legal or financial problems, unemployment, or catastrophic events, like floods, rape or war. During this period, the abuser feels ignored, threatened, annoyed or wronged. The feeling lasts on average several minutes to hours, it may last as much as several months.
To prevent violence, the victim may try to reduce the tension by becoming compliant and nurturing. Or, to get the abuse over with, prepare for the violence or lessen the degree of injury, the victim may provoke the batterer. “However, at no time is the batterer justified in engaging in violent or abusive behavior,” said Scott Allen Johnson, author of Physical Abusers and Sexual Offenders.
Characterized by outbursts of violent, abusive incidents which may be preceded by verbal abuse and include psychological abuse. During this stage the abuser attempts to dominate his/her partner (survivor), with the use of domestic violence.
In intimate partner violence, children are negatively affected by having witnessed the violence and the partner’s relationship degrades as well. The release of energy reduces the tension, and the abuser may feel or express that the victim “had it coming” to them.
The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.
Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship.
The evidence is crystal clear. Don’t stand for any type of abuse, he will do it again. Get out immediately.
4. I deserve what’s happening to me.
This is another big lie. People always talk about the law of karma. Everybody has done something wrong at one point or another.
However, you can’t allow that to be a reason to justify someone’s mistreatment of you.
No you don’t deserve the pain you are being put through just because your past isn’t perfect.
5. He will change if I stick with him.
Here is the final lie on the list. The truth is that people change their bad ways ONLY when they truly want to.
There’s nothing you can say or do that will make a person that is intent on doing you wrong change their ways.
It’s a very unhealthy relationship to be in.
Life is too short to gamble on a person that can’t seem to do right by you. If you have done well to change who you are alongside a person who has stayed the same, you have all the proof in the world that it’s time to go in a different direction.
The truth will always set you free. It might not necessarily be what you want to hear, and it might be a bit painful to stare the truth in the face.
However, don’t stand in the way of your own freedom by training yourself to believe the lies we’ve all told ourselves from time to time. Hopefully, reading this helped you take the first step toward a positive change.