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Child Support Beef: No New Relationship Until It’s Squashed!

Child Support Beef: No New Relationship Until It’s Squashed!

Posted by in Black Love Advice

Child Support is, according to Wikipedia, a family law and public policy that is ongoing for a periodic time and involves financial benefit of the child as well as a visitation schedule…

The ol’ every other weekend/1 month out of the summer with occasional holidays daddy obligation in which there are a TON of men who don’t like this setup or arrangement.

Now personally, I am not only the author of this article but I am also a Custodial Parent (Two Times over… Don’t judge) who USED to have a ton of unresolved issues that handicapped my ability to move on into healthier relationships not to mention the emotional stress that CONTINUED way beyond the break up…

The pain, betrayal, and guilt along with every other negative emotional aftermath that comes with leaving someone you use to love or care about. I felt it all.

But one thing I can say from this current situation is that CHILD SUPPORT was initiated ONLY because there were communication issues with financial care and physical issues involving the well-being of the child…

The well-being of the child…

You might want to say that again because it is important you remember this before I move on to the overall point of this article.

A lot of women who have been hurt and for some reason or the other have decided to put the EX on child support, can sometimes be so distraught that they forget the sole purpose of child support.

I know I gave you a nice (friendly) definition earlier, but let me give you the ‘real talk’ definition.

Child support is there to establish an understanding that two people will care for this child despite irreconcilable differences.

I can hear some people saying, “There shouldn’t be a such thing as child support. Child support is a conspiracy to keep the black man down” or “It’s there to replace the black man” (Which is a biased theory because of the simple fact that there are lazy men, women, and parents that are unable to mature or grow past transgressions.) The inability to mature or grow past our mistakes is the very reason child support is clearly justified.

However, this is not the reason for this article, to chatter about the perks of child support or the benefit it serves to a woman/man whose relationship ended in violence and child support is the only option that will ensure safe communication and monitoring.

This is about the bitterness that ends up becoming a residue in our memories that dictate unhealthy interactions with the Non-Custodial parent… Just in case we are confused or may not know what these unhealthy interactions may look like… Let me take the pleasure in providing a list I am sure an angry Non-Custodial parent can attest to:

  1. Purposely making pick-ups hard.
  2. Having “zero” understanding when the other parent is late.
  3. Discussing frustrations with the child.
  4. Playing Judge Judy when payments are missed.
  5. Having “Angry Yvette” rants because a “New New” (girlfriend/boyfriend) comes in the picture.
  6. #Petty “Why is his/her sock missing?” (Don’t be petty).

So, I am thinking this should be enough examples to see how this type of interaction can add some saltiness to the entire co-parenting situation. Let it GO!!!

Especially for all my followers of God who posts those beautiful quotes about “Let Go and Let God” (remember this) #Headsup this saying not only applies to that prayer request for a new house, job and etc… This spiritual quote applies to you as a person being able to let whatever grudges or UNFAIR malpractices from an ex lover go also.

Now being that I listed unhealthy interactions with an EX-, I am going to leave you with healthy interactions and remember the “well-being of the child” is all that really matters.

And if you can’t see yourself doing any of these healthy interactions with your ex, clutch your pearls/wallets and remember, “Let Go and Let God!”

PART OF THE CHILD’S WELL BEING IS HAVING BOTH PARENTS EVEN IF YOU CAN’T STAND EACH OTHER.

So here are a few ways to foster healthy interactions:

  1. Practice positive talk in the face of negativity.
  2. Not setting “him/her” up for that Boom got you back moment.
  3. Follow the child support order EVEN if the other parent is not paying, (Apply understanding or apply the courts. It’s that simple.)
  4. FOCUS on your goals, your income and how well you are being a role model to your child.
  5. Establish good boundaries; Feel yourself getting angry? Advise the caller (your ex) to call you back in 15 minutes
  6. And always keep the Petty Betty-ness at bay.

Conclusion

If you find it intolerable to at least try healthy techniques when interacting with the non-custodial parent it is only because you have not forgiven them and you have not forgiven YOURSELF.

You must understand that you picked the non-custodial parent so there was something about you that assisted you in deciding that this person he/she would be an appropriate sleep mate, lover and now baby daddy/mama. In this case, the only focus you should have is really improving YOURSELF by seeking spiritual guidance, therapeutic nurturing and conditioning yourself to manage your emotions.

My work with Domestic Violence clients has taught me that your ex MAY NOT be the best boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband or “bootycall” but you are only able to judge their ability to parent according to the guidelines set forth by the judge and courts, (not your version of good parenting that changes when the wind blows).

The well-being of the child should be the ONLY concern. Not the parents views on child support or their hatred towards one another. As adults we get over things… YOUR CHILD MAY NEVER RECOVER FROM THE PETTY CONFLICTS THEY SEE YOU AND THEIR OTHER PARENT HAVING.

That’s reason enough to give it your best effort to create a healthy and peaceful co-parenting relationship.

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