The Unconscious Attraction to Abuse in Relationships

The Unconscious Attraction to Abuse in Relationships

Posted by in Black Love Advice

One of the saddest facts about abuse in relationships is that it often triggers a cycle where the victim ends up in one abusive relationship after another.

Sadly, most people don’t realize this unfortunate truth about domestic abuse and childhood trauma.

In fact, When I pose the question to clients, “Could it be possible that you are attracted to abusive men?” I always get this look as if I must have just lost my mind.

However, women who find themselves in abusive relationships often get swallowed by the abuse to the point that the abuse becomes normal.

As stated above, this often becomes very apparent in their other relationships.

And not just their romantic relationships.

Instead, it pervades relationships across the board, both personal and professional.

Simply put, if everything is going well in their relationship at home, there will normally be friction in friendships or interactions with co-workers and vice versa.

They need these types of negative interactions to feel normal.

This takes the place of the chaotic pattern of abuse that they are used to having in their lives.

We see it all the time when we find ourselves saying, “If it isn’t one thing it’s another” or “I don’t know why I keep attracting the same no good people in my life!”

You might not realize it. But if you’ve said or thought either of these things it’s a strong indicator that you are unconsciously attracted to abuse in relationships, and it is causing a detrimental cycle in your life.

Be it centered around verbal, physical, or psychological abuse.

So after I tell my clients that no, I haven’t lost my mind, I explain to them how to identify the connections between the abuse they dealt with in the past and how it connects to their present relationships.

The mistake we often make when it comes to confronting and getting over abuse we experienced in our past is that we don’t adequately reflect on it.

People tend to live by the saying, “The past is the past.”

However, the past isn’t “just the past” and if the abuse we experienced in past relationships is never reflected on we can’t be sure that we aren’t allowing history to repeat itself.

That we aren’t making the same mistakes or gravitating towards friends and lovers that will introduce similar chaos and abuse to our world’s.

It all boils down to being able to spot the patterns and themes of our lives.

Let me break that down a bit. Y’all got me going deep today.

To give an example of patterns and themes (like the theme of a movie), you can look at someone who has repeatedly been deeply involved in relationships where her spouses cheat, are inconsiderate, and eventually leave her, often with a child to take care of basically by herself.

The theme, in this case, is abandonment.

This person has shown a pattern of entering relationships with a particular type of man that eventually leaves her both physically and emotionally.

It’s sad, but I know you know a person that has gone through this. And it seems like no matter how much they don’t like the outcome it keeps happening to them again and again. Resulting in stress, broken hearts and often depression.

Now here’s a truth about the themes that play throughout our lives.

They are commonly tied to a childhood event.

Whether it is the mom or the dad leaving the child, abusing the child, or neglecting the child’s needs it often repeats in our adult relationships.

To make it even worse, the longer the abuse is experienced, the more we find similar abuse acceptable later in life.

It becomes our norm, in turn, we gravitate towards people who will feed off of this energy and abuse us.

Now here’s the good news…

Avoiding this psychological trap can easily be done by speaking with a therapist like myself, who is trained to help people understand their past and how it connects to current behavior and outcomes in relationships.

Your present doesn’t have to be your future, and your past doesn’t have to leave it’s fingerprints on your present!


Abuse in relationships and victims unconscious attraction to it in future relationships is a serious issue that is often overlooked.

Women often do not realize how important it is to address abuse in childhood and previous relationships before moving on to other romantic relationships.

If such abuse was done repeatedly or early on in childhood without reconciliation, it will end up being a learned behavior to accept men who will abuse them in some form or fashion.

So taken into account what has been shared, we do not want history to repeat itself when it comes to our relationships.

Seek counseling, talk to a family member, do whatever it takes to end the cycle.

Take back control of your life.

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